Plucked from the midst of time (stolen from Simon's loft) here is the true story of how history was made on 11 May 1980, as sort of revealed by the man himself...
2 April 1980
Met Fiona (ex) again – think she still fancies me! Feel ill – drank 6 ciders last night (sick but no one noticed)
Fiona (ex) back in pub again – managed a snog!!! She started winding me up about when I pretended to be a pop star with Dog Days. Tried to say I just did it for a laugh but she kept going on about how I used to tell everyone I was going end up in LA and shag loads of groupies. God, how dumb was I? At least she said I was different now - WHICH IS TRUE!!!! She’s working in some club called The Red Rum. Said I should stop by (4 ciders, not sick)
Fiona (ex) again back in pub! No snog, but told me hilarious story about wierdo band that hang out at the Red Rum! Total no-hopers who swan around talking about how they’re going to be bigger than David Essex! There’s a gay one who only smokes St Moritz ciggies and tells everyone ‘That’s not Saint Morris, you know’ and spends hours doing his hair.
Fiona phoned!!! I acted all cool but was quite excited. Latest on wierdos at her club – some crazy Geordie turned up and drank the bar dry! The gay one not impressed. Finished course work and then down pub (tried Guinness – yuck! – but not sick)
Shit! Fiona was at the pub getting all excited about this weird band. Got a bit drunk and having a snog (no further… maybe next time???) when she goes on about me looking cool and how I should be in a band. Before I know it I’ve agreed to audition, or something. She said she’ll find out for me – F*K!!!!
Fiona called – she had a word and they’ve got auditions tomorrow!!! She said wear crazy stuff – even lipstick!!! CRAP!!!! Be good to see Fiona and she seems keen – who knows where it might lead? I had a weird dream about her last night – I was lying in the grass for ages with dirty clothes. I could hear Fiona saying ‘wait for the sound of thunder’ then I flew through the air and was lying on the page like a dotted line. There was a huge pair of scissors that cut around me and stuck me on their door. I closed my eyes and touched the ground and started spinning – and then was sick (only had 3 ciders…)
Sunday 11 May 1980
Weird day. Got all dolled up in charity shop cast offs – looked real crazy. Then had to suffer badly on the bus. Made noises about a fancy dress party. Eventually found stupid club – after driving round in a taxi for Red Rum club. Got out to be greeted by bizarre sight of assorted crazies. Realised had to just get on with it – and it seemed to go down really well! The gay one was most impressed (!!! What does that mean???) Fiona was there and acted all cool and said ‘good luck’ (a sign? Hope so!). I swanned around and heard the gay one’s ‘Saint Morris’ gag about five times. Met the Geordie – yikes! Tried to work out if he liked cider but didn’t want to get into a drinking race with him. Think I’ll take on the drummer for that one. Chatted for a bit – they wanted to know if I had any lyrics. Stroke of genius – showed them the dream I wrote down – they fucking loved that!!!! Told them there was plenty more where that came from! Then they wanted me to sing. Just went for it and it all seemed to please them. All v chatty and pleasant – they said they’d call! Tried to find Fiona after but she was talking to the bass player.
F*K F*K F*K F*K!!! I GOT IT!!! They are well keen – does that mean I’m good or they’re desperate? Wondered whether I had to get kitted out in lipstick every time I saw them but thought I ought to go in gear this time – good job too! They were all kitted out and keen to flatter me. The gay one bought me two ciders to celebrate – I might have over done it saying I wasn’t one of them and about my plans with Fiona but think I got away with it.
Disastrous day. The gay one, it turns out, ISN’T gay – bloody confusing. Found out in not v great way – he was snogging Fiona. So that’s that and now I’m stuck in this band – what have I got myself into????
This article originally appeared in Cherry Lipstick in February 2001
Of course, a few years later, Simon changed his story about what happened: